I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
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