I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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