I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
