I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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