I think my fart just growled at me.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
