3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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