Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So squirting runs in the family.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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