It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
