He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
