I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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