Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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