Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
