someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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