At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
