we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
