I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
