Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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