Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
