Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
