this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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