I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
where are my eyebrows?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
