I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
