I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
