You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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