so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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