My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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