I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
