I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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