I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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