i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
