when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
