this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
