Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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