I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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