Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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