He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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