I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
