Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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