dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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