She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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