i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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