he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
