My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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