She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
