My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
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