2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
