Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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