Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
