and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
