Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
