We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
