Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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