You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
