im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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