Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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