you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize