There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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