Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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