I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
