I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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